You want to know what's wrong with me?.. What's really wrong with me?.. are you sure you want to know?... Because if you keep asking i will tell you everything and you may not want to know...
*sighs and shakes her head* ok well you asked for it.
As we all know i have not had the..best track record in relationships...to be honest i am pretty sure i have had some of the WORST luck in such matters. I care to quickly i don't want to see peoples flaws... i want to be..love and be loved so bad that i make excuses for people that i should not have to. I should just walk away and not look back because all it does is hurt me more then anything.
I don't have the most ideal living situation but given the past two years i am rather proud of me self, however i care far to much for what others think of me and one of the people that means the world to me has this abaility to make me feel as if i am a total failure. As if no matter what i do nothing is every going to be good enough- no matter how much i have moved forward it's never enough in his eyes. And i fear it may - Never- be enough for him. I hate that no matter what i do or say after i am done talking to him i feel as if i am still a child that can do nothing right, and i have..failed him. I hate feeling as if i have disappointing him. As if i will always be the fuck up of the family.... always trying her hardest but never getting things quite right how they should be. I don't want to be that person.. but i feel like i am. And it's hard ot move foward when you feel as if there just going to push you back.
And i'm scared. I for one in my life have found someone that in a few short days has shown me a world of difference from what i have been with. Someone that understands me when others think i talk in circles but to them i can make perfect sence. Who calms me down when i am up set with the littlest of things and for once makes me feel......special. As if for once i am a important person that they WANT to be around not feeling as if they have to. Someone that in such a short time i have started to fall for... Truly fall for and it scares me more then anything.
Why?.. Because i have no walls... no barriers... they don't work for once. I found someone who understands me so ..completely that i feel as if i have found my other half and it terrifies me to death. I have gotten so use to things going horribly wrong that not only am i afraid i am going to mess this up * becasue come on we all know i am the master of that * But that if this does go wrong -it will strike me down and hurt so bad... that i don't know if there is every a way to recover from it. It's hard to imagine someone you have only known a few days having such a effect on you but it's true. And that's what scares me. I'm scared to loose you... I'm scared that this is all a dream- that for once the one time in my life that i am truly happy, that it will all come crashing down in a instance and i'll be left alone again wondering what went wrong and trying to get back to a dream. I'm scare that i am going to fall so completely for you- and as soon as i do that's when it'll happen. That's when the bad news will show.
That's when reality will strike and you'll be gone. But what if your not? What if for once.. maybe just this once things go right, and i'll truly be happy? I'm scared that this is all just smoke and mirros and lies and that there is no way someone as perfect as you could be here for me, it's a thing that only happens in fairy tales. It's like a love so strong that no matter what happens, what life your in you know your ment to be together. That you will find each other no matter the obstacles or the danger you KNOW- deep down in your heart that this is who you are meant to be with. But that's all just fairy tails right?
-Sighs and looks up at the moon feeling the wind blow across her face- That's what i keep telling my self, that this is just a fairy tale and it;s not real. Because that way if or when it does end.....I might be able to pull my self back together. That because this is just a fairy tale i will have the courage to stop feeling like a failure. To stand up to those that said i can't.. and smile brightly as i say " Just watch me"
Just know, that if this is a fairy tale......it's the best one i have ever had and i pray it doesn't end soon. But if it does? I will be happy at least knowing i took a chance, becasue you never know what you could of have unless you leap.
*sighs and shakes her head* ok well you asked for it.
As we all know i have not had the..best track record in relationships...to be honest i am pretty sure i have had some of the WORST luck in such matters. I care to quickly i don't want to see peoples flaws... i want to be..love and be loved so bad that i make excuses for people that i should not have to. I should just walk away and not look back because all it does is hurt me more then anything.
I don't have the most ideal living situation but given the past two years i am rather proud of me self, however i care far to much for what others think of me and one of the people that means the world to me has this abaility to make me feel as if i am a total failure. As if no matter what i do nothing is every going to be good enough- no matter how much i have moved forward it's never enough in his eyes. And i fear it may - Never- be enough for him. I hate that no matter what i do or say after i am done talking to him i feel as if i am still a child that can do nothing right, and i have..failed him. I hate feeling as if i have disappointing him. As if i will always be the fuck up of the family.... always trying her hardest but never getting things quite right how they should be. I don't want to be that person.. but i feel like i am. And it's hard ot move foward when you feel as if there just going to push you back.
And i'm scared. I for one in my life have found someone that in a few short days has shown me a world of difference from what i have been with. Someone that understands me when others think i talk in circles but to them i can make perfect sence. Who calms me down when i am up set with the littlest of things and for once makes me feel......special. As if for once i am a important person that they WANT to be around not feeling as if they have to. Someone that in such a short time i have started to fall for... Truly fall for and it scares me more then anything.
Why?.. Because i have no walls... no barriers... they don't work for once. I found someone who understands me so ..completely that i feel as if i have found my other half and it terrifies me to death. I have gotten so use to things going horribly wrong that not only am i afraid i am going to mess this up * becasue come on we all know i am the master of that * But that if this does go wrong -it will strike me down and hurt so bad... that i don't know if there is every a way to recover from it. It's hard to imagine someone you have only known a few days having such a effect on you but it's true. And that's what scares me. I'm scared to loose you... I'm scared that this is all a dream- that for once the one time in my life that i am truly happy, that it will all come crashing down in a instance and i'll be left alone again wondering what went wrong and trying to get back to a dream. I'm scare that i am going to fall so completely for you- and as soon as i do that's when it'll happen. That's when the bad news will show.
That's when reality will strike and you'll be gone. But what if your not? What if for once.. maybe just this once things go right, and i'll truly be happy? I'm scared that this is all just smoke and mirros and lies and that there is no way someone as perfect as you could be here for me, it's a thing that only happens in fairy tales. It's like a love so strong that no matter what happens, what life your in you know your ment to be together. That you will find each other no matter the obstacles or the danger you KNOW- deep down in your heart that this is who you are meant to be with. But that's all just fairy tails right?
-Sighs and looks up at the moon feeling the wind blow across her face- That's what i keep telling my self, that this is just a fairy tale and it;s not real. Because that way if or when it does end.....I might be able to pull my self back together. That because this is just a fairy tale i will have the courage to stop feeling like a failure. To stand up to those that said i can't.. and smile brightly as i say " Just watch me"
Just know, that if this is a fairy tale......it's the best one i have ever had and i pray it doesn't end soon. But if it does? I will be happy at least knowing i took a chance, becasue you never know what you could of have unless you leap.
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