now, usually this is where i am suppose to write some awesome poem..cuz i have been slacking seriously on this and i have been trying to figure out why and i think i have. I like most of the great writers of our time only do it when i am depressed, or so i thought. Now i am finding this is not true. How do i know this you may ask? Well because i am depressed... and not just oh i'm a little sad. More like i feel forgotten as if the world is moving on around me and i am just standing still watching the ride. I use to be apart of it, apart of the things that were happening and now i feel like it all happens without me. I get up go to work for a few hours come home and try to go back to sleep ( which for one reason or a nother never works) then amuse my self some how till i go back to work... then come home for dinner with ma and... nothing. I don't have a lot of interesting things to do like a lot of people. I spend the majority of my time, alone or with K-5 graders which although they are entertaining... not quite what i was looking for.
Now i have tired to spend the last few days seeing WHY i was depressed? Not enough sun, nope go out on a daily basis with the kids so that's not it. Not enough sleep? Well for those of you that know me know i usually stay up late like 2-3 am late. For the past week at least i been in bed before midnight usually by 10. So getting sleep. But i think i finally pin pointed it down or at least as much as i can given my current state of mind ( when one is depressed it's a bit hard to think stright) now i know my dad's side of the family is pone to depression and i think i have it to a degree - but i am not as bad as most because it comes and goes. It's not like most people's where there's a day or two and your fine for me it's been going on for a week straight i seem to be short tempered for no reason.. i am getting headaches all the time and i can't tell if it's from sleeping wrong or what. I always seem to be cold no matter how many layers i seem to be wearing and i have no motovation to do anything. Not writing, not photos, not a thing. I just want to sit in the dark and just...cry.
I know not like me right ( trust me i don't cry very often) But after looking back on the past year of my life i realize it's not what i want it to be. It's been one year now that i have been living with mom and i feel like a failure. Although i have had a job.. well two now.. i sitll can't help out as much as i want.. we are still in the one bed room... and just trying to get by. After freaking out with her two heart attacks ( ya that's right my mom can't just do one and leave it be) AND a tripple bypass surgery..where i realize now i was freaking out thinking i was going to loose my mother. I was there every night to the point earthier her or the nurses had to kick me out, ( I can be very stubborn when i want to) And i realize now i am still scared something could happen. She has just returned back to work ( YAY) but still i dread coming home to find something happened. I find my self just..feeling like hell and i hate it! I HATE that i feel so...dead... un living as if i am just sitting on a ride watching everything going pass and not doing a damn thing about it. I just...i want to be norm... ok not normal for i have never BEEN normal i just wanna be happy ya know? I want a REASON to get up in the morning and to do things I want to stop feeling like a failure.
Why did i write this? you know i am not to sure i think part of me knew that by putting down what i had been keeping inside down into words it would help free me in a way to stop the worry and betting my self up to get it out of my head. Although i am depressed i have done a lot of good things as of late. I now have a full time job ( i may not be working 40 hours a week but this is not that kind of job) I went and got my first credit card.. and a brand new lap top! ( which is what i am writing on now so i appoligise for the spelling mistakes still learning where the keys are on this thing). Trying to save up money to go to Lilies war... and to get the two bedroom as soon as possible and to go back to school for my BA. I am trying to go for a BA in art but everyone keeps telling me i don't need to go to school for it but you know what that may be true i know a lot of people that have not done that...but i want to be able to stand up there on graduation day and say i did it. I did this got my degree when no one else ( cept a select few) said i wouldn't or couldn't do it. I want to hang it on the wall and know i finished what i started. *smiles* I want to be proud of what i have done, so you know what.. i am gonna push my self.. i am gonna go out there and do it! I am going to show the world that i am a force to be reckoned with! And when i stand at the top of that kick ass mountain and look back i'll be smiling knowing i did it- one step at a time... one day at a time, one moment and one breath.
LOOK OUT WORLD.. THE PENGUIN IS A COMING!
No comments:
Post a Comment