She looked over the lip at the boiling water below

watching as her reflection started to distort

Changing..ever moving as if she couldent sit still

She looked out the window at the moon rising full

Listening to the sound of the wind rustling the trees

She closed her eyes and breathed in deep

Trying to center her self, to find her place again

Lost among the keep.

She felt like the sky

As if parts of her had exploded and scartted across the four corrners

Far from there home, far from being home

Each day she felt like she was loosing more of her self

Looking into the reflection and not see her self.. but a ghost staring back

A pale figure washed out image of the person she use to be.

Where had she gone? What had happened to her soul?

Was she forever lost.. going to be forever alone?

She shook her head to dispell the images and looked into the bubbling liquid again.

This was her last chance to save her self, for she feared if she failed this time

She was lost to the darkness, never to come back never to be whole again.

With a sigh and a wispered plea she took a sip of the liquid feeling as it slid down her throat

As the exploded out along her limbs the energy dancing along her nerves making her feel alive

She closed her eyes letting out a sigh to see what would happen..

Would she wake up whole again? Or awake broken again...

From the past

I can hear the voice in my head
Whispering things of the past,
Bringing up memories i would rather keep hidden
 Of a past of darkness, blood and death.

I knew you before
Really i always have
 No matter the life
I always find you
Or should i say you always find me

It's always the same
this feeling i have
as if i have known you for ever
Even if it's just been a day

You know me better then anyone
When i'm trying to put on a brae face
Or when i am about to break down

Your always there to hold my hand
And keep me saine
Even if we fight like crazy,
By the end of they day were laughing 
and loving as if nothing happened

But the voice from the past
they won't shut up!
I hear them whispering
Warnings of the past-
of how i am going to loose you again

If i do- i don't know what i will do
I can't stand the thought of loosing you
So i'll close my eyes and take a deep breath
and try to bury the voice from the past
I make my own road i can change it- 
This time i won't be the same

This time.. i'm not giving up 
 

Can't take it any more

I can't take it any more.. at least i don't think i can. I hate that when i sit here i still feel like a god damn outsider. I am tired of no matter what i say it seems to be casted aside becasue they have done it bigger and better... i'm just a girl and you know i can't do the same shit. I am so sick and tired of the bitching and the moaning about EVERY GOD DAMN LITTLE THING. >_< Oh my god i knew i complained from time to time but this is just god damn redicilous! There like girls... no no there WORSE then girls. Here i am bending over backwards to drive them, make sure they have food and just doing what i can to make things better but they keep getting in a bad mood- like no matter what i do it's not good enough. Now for there credit they have payed a bit in gas and food which i do appericate but you know there's a lot of shit i did that i didn't HAVE to to. I didn't have to give them my ps2 so they could play games cuz there systems got stolen. But i did.. i went down to storage and got it out for them. And yes they got games for it and even on more me!....but i don't get to play it much cuz the boys tend to take over. I spent the last of my money on food for the storm that is hitting us right now...and i wanted doughnuts ( I mean come on how can you say no to those things?) And they bitch at me for getting snack food. Well you know what? When i get stressed i like chocolate.. so pardon me if i raid the dounghts and easter candy aisle to make my self feel better since i HATE STORMS... No really i do. And to top it all off it's me one month anniversy with my boy....and how did i spend it?.. Watching them play Starwars and bitching about how long it's taking for me to DL and Burn the star wars movies for them....why the fuck do i even try at this point.... i just... i give up. Tomorrow i am dropping him off at working and going home and doing what I want to do....and no one is gonna bitch or moan at me or complain.... Cuz to be honest i am getting ready to throw the towel in... i deal with a bunch of kids at work i don't wanna deal with it when i am OFF Work. Come on storms bring on the rain- time to wash away the past and start anew.

You wanted to know

You want to know what's wrong with me?.. What's really wrong with me?.. are you sure you want to know?... Because if you keep asking i will tell you everything and you may not want to know...

*sighs and shakes her head* ok well you asked for it.

As we all know i have not had the..best track record in relationships...to be honest i am pretty sure i have had some of the WORST luck in such matters. I care to quickly i don't want to see peoples flaws... i want to be..love and be loved so bad that i make excuses for people that i should not have to. I should just walk away and not look back because all it does is hurt me more then anything.

I don't have the most ideal living situation but given the past two years i am rather proud of me self, however i care far to much for what others think of me and one of the people that means the world to me has this abaility to make me feel as if i am a total failure. As if no matter what i do nothing is every going to be good enough- no matter how much i have moved forward it's never enough in his eyes. And i fear it may - Never- be enough for him. I hate that no matter what i do or say after i am done talking to him i feel as if i am still a child that can do nothing right, and i have..failed him. I hate feeling as if i have disappointing him. As if i will always be the fuck up of the family.... always trying her hardest but never getting things quite right how they should be. I don't want to be that person.. but i feel like i am. And it's hard ot move foward when you feel as if there just going to push you back.

And i'm scared. I for one in my life have found someone that in a few short days has shown me a world of difference from what i have been with. Someone that understands me when others think i talk in circles but to them i can make perfect sence. Who calms me down when i am up set with the littlest of things and for once makes me feel......special. As if for once i am a important person that they WANT to be around not feeling as if they have to. Someone that in such a short time i have started to fall for... Truly fall for and it scares me more then anything.

Why?.. Because i have no walls... no barriers... they don't work for once. I found someone who understands me so ..completely that i feel as if i have found my other half and it terrifies me to death. I have gotten so use to things going horribly wrong that not only am i afraid i am going to mess this up * becasue come on we all know i am the master of that * But that if this does go wrong -it will strike me down and hurt so bad... that i don't know if there is every a way to recover from it. It's hard to imagine someone you have only known a few days having such a effect on you but it's true. And that's what scares me. I'm scared to loose you... I'm scared that this is all a dream- that for once the one time in my life that i am truly happy, that it will all come crashing down in a instance and i'll be left alone again wondering what went wrong and trying to get back to a dream. I'm scare that i am going to fall so completely for you- and as soon as i do that's when it'll happen. That's when the bad news will show.

That's when reality will strike and you'll be gone. But what if your not? What if for once.. maybe just this once things go right, and i'll truly be happy? I'm scared that this is all just smoke and mirros and lies and that there is no way someone as perfect as you could be here for me, it's a thing that only happens in fairy tales. It's like a love so strong that no matter what happens, what life your in you know your ment to be together. That you will find each other no matter the obstacles or the danger you KNOW- deep down in your heart that this is who you are meant to be with. But that's all just fairy tails right?

-Sighs and looks up at the moon feeling the wind blow across her face- That's what i keep telling my self, that this is just a fairy tale and it;s not real. Because that way if or when it does end.....I might be able to pull my self back together. That because this is just a fairy tale i will have the courage to stop feeling like a failure. To stand up to those that said i can't.. and smile brightly as i say " Just watch me"

Just know, that if this is a fairy tale......it's the best one i have ever had and i pray it doesn't end soon. But if it does? I will be happy at least knowing i took a chance, becasue you never know what you could of have unless you leap.

Here i am again

I'm scared
I'm shaking
i don't know what to do

i'v been here before
i know how this end
with one of us broken on the floor

I can feel it already
the world sliding away
as i almost feel safe, secure
loved even.

But i know it's all a lie.
or so that's what i fear
Because i have never been this happy before.

Anytime i come close to this
i fall back down again
into the dark and the hurt and the anger
into the lies the cheat and the pain.

I care to quickly
i fall to fast
I give out my heart
but then it's broken like glass

Here i am again
on this ledge
about to fall in love with you
But i'm terrafied this time
that if i fall, and no one catches
there's no coming back from this
No more light no more pleasure
If i don't return again this time...

It'll be the end. Forever



The question comes... are you going to be there to catch me?
Can i risk this.. give you my all
or will i end up broken on the floor again?

Ello rabbit hole- we meet again!

now, usually this is where i am suppose to write some awesome poem..cuz i have been slacking seriously on this and i have been trying to figure out why and i think i have. I like most of the great writers of our time only do it when i am depressed, or so i thought. Now i am finding this is not true. How do i know this you may ask? Well because i am depressed... and not just oh i'm a little sad. More like i feel forgotten as if the world is moving on around me and i am just standing still watching the ride. I use to be apart of it, apart of the things that were happening and now i feel like it all happens without me. I get up go to work for a few hours come home and try to go back to sleep ( which for one reason or a nother never works) then amuse my self some how till i go back to work... then come home for dinner with ma and... nothing. I don't have a lot of interesting things to do like a lot of people. I spend the majority of my time, alone or with K-5 graders which although they are entertaining... not quite what i was looking for.

Now i have tired to spend the last few days seeing WHY i was depressed? Not enough sun, nope go out on a daily basis with the kids so that's not it. Not enough sleep? Well for those of you that know me know i usually stay up late like 2-3 am late. For the past week at least i been in bed before midnight usually by 10. So getting sleep. But i think i finally pin pointed it down or at least as much as i can given my current state of mind ( when one is depressed it's a bit hard to think stright) now i know my dad's side of the family is pone to depression and i think i have it to a degree - but i am not as bad as most because it comes and goes. It's not like most people's where there's a day or two and your fine for me it's been going on for a week straight i seem to be short tempered for no reason.. i am getting headaches all the time and i can't tell if it's from sleeping wrong or what. I always seem to be cold no matter how many layers i seem to be wearing and i have no motovation to do anything. Not writing, not photos, not a thing. I just want to sit in the dark and just...cry.

I know not like me right ( trust me i don't cry very often) But after looking back on the past year of my life i realize it's not what i want it to be. It's been one year now that i have been living with mom and i feel like a failure. Although i have had a job.. well two now.. i sitll can't help out as much as i want.. we are still in the one bed room... and just trying to get by. After freaking out with her two heart attacks ( ya that's right my mom can't just do one and leave it be) AND a tripple bypass surgery..where i realize now i was freaking out thinking i was going to loose my mother. I was there every night to the point earthier her or the nurses had to kick me out, ( I can be very stubborn when i want to) And i realize now i am still scared something could happen. She has just returned back to work ( YAY) but still i dread coming home to find something happened. I find my self just..feeling like hell and i hate it! I HATE that i feel so...dead... un living as if i am just sitting on a ride watching everything going pass and not doing a damn thing about it. I just...i want to be norm... ok not normal for i have never BEEN normal i just wanna be happy ya know? I want a REASON to get up in the morning and to do things I want to stop feeling like a failure.

Why did i write this? you know i am not to sure i think part of me knew that by putting down what i had been keeping inside down into words it would help free me in a way to stop the worry and betting my self up to get it out of my head. Although i am depressed i have done a lot of good things as of late. I now have a full time job ( i may not be working 40 hours a week but this is not that kind of job) I went and got my first credit card.. and a brand new lap top! ( which is what i am writing on now so i appoligise for the spelling mistakes still learning where the keys are on this thing). Trying to save up money to go to Lilies war... and to get the two bedroom as soon as possible and to go back to school for my BA. I am trying to go for a BA in art but everyone keeps telling me i don't need to go to school for it but you know what that may be true i know a lot of people that have not done that...but i want to be able to stand up there on graduation day and say i did it. I did this got my degree when no one else ( cept a select few) said i wouldn't or couldn't do it. I want to hang it on the wall and know i finished what i started. *smiles* I want to be proud of what i have done, so you know what.. i am gonna push my self.. i am gonna go out there and do it! I am going to show the world that i am a force to be reckoned with! And when i stand at the top of that kick ass mountain and look back i'll be smiling knowing i did it- one step at a time... one day at a time, one moment and one breath.

LOOK OUT WORLD.. THE PENGUIN IS A COMING!

Please know the facts before shooting your mouth off

Ok so i have to admit that i am.. one who is quick to temper from time to time
especially when i am under stress. And yes after the past few weeks due to mom's heart conditions and things that have been happening i have been a tad bit stressed.
My old work called wanting me to travel to another city ( roughly 50 miles from here) on Saturday to work for three hours. Although i would be paid for travel time and the milage it would not show up for about a month or so. Now you see here is the problem with this- i have worked about maybe.. 6 hours give or take in the last month so i didn't get a lot of money, and when i was paid what money i had was spent on gas going back and forth from the hospital or eating out because i neede to eat but didn't wanna go home and be alone.

Now i admit i set my self up for this when i posted on Facebook about my situation with the gas the driving. Now... it was fine untill someone i know decided to pipe up with out knowing all the facts... they had posted that " it's just to said city... not like it's across the country" True but i currently have.. half a tank of gas to last me a month driving 5 days a week to two different schools for my job...SO
" I have seen you posting about going to work" Oh yes a whopping SIX FREAKING HOURS In a month... do you know how much money that is? Rougly.. 51 bucks... and after taxes and such i got about 20 dollars. Which i had to spend on gas to go to and from the hospital while my mom was in there after having TRIPPLE bypass surgery and not one but two heart attacks.

She has not worked since the first hospital stay i have not worked since then. I start my new job monday the 13 but i'll be driving to two different locations 5 times a week.... and i won't be paid for three weeks so pardon me if i don't have the money to take a 100 mile jaunt round trip for almost... nothing. So... Please... before you go off the handle making smart ass remarks make sure you know the facts before shooting your mouth off... just makes you look like an ass and just pisses me the hell off.