You wanted to know

You want to know what's wrong with me?.. What's really wrong with me?.. are you sure you want to know?... Because if you keep asking i will tell you everything and you may not want to know...

*sighs and shakes her head* ok well you asked for it.

As we all know i have not had the..best track record in relationships...to be honest i am pretty sure i have had some of the WORST luck in such matters. I care to quickly i don't want to see peoples flaws... i want to be..love and be loved so bad that i make excuses for people that i should not have to. I should just walk away and not look back because all it does is hurt me more then anything.

I don't have the most ideal living situation but given the past two years i am rather proud of me self, however i care far to much for what others think of me and one of the people that means the world to me has this abaility to make me feel as if i am a total failure. As if no matter what i do nothing is every going to be good enough- no matter how much i have moved forward it's never enough in his eyes. And i fear it may - Never- be enough for him. I hate that no matter what i do or say after i am done talking to him i feel as if i am still a child that can do nothing right, and i have..failed him. I hate feeling as if i have disappointing him. As if i will always be the fuck up of the family.... always trying her hardest but never getting things quite right how they should be. I don't want to be that person.. but i feel like i am. And it's hard ot move foward when you feel as if there just going to push you back.

And i'm scared. I for one in my life have found someone that in a few short days has shown me a world of difference from what i have been with. Someone that understands me when others think i talk in circles but to them i can make perfect sence. Who calms me down when i am up set with the littlest of things and for once makes me feel......special. As if for once i am a important person that they WANT to be around not feeling as if they have to. Someone that in such a short time i have started to fall for... Truly fall for and it scares me more then anything.

Why?.. Because i have no walls... no barriers... they don't work for once. I found someone who understands me so ..completely that i feel as if i have found my other half and it terrifies me to death. I have gotten so use to things going horribly wrong that not only am i afraid i am going to mess this up * becasue come on we all know i am the master of that * But that if this does go wrong -it will strike me down and hurt so bad... that i don't know if there is every a way to recover from it. It's hard to imagine someone you have only known a few days having such a effect on you but it's true. And that's what scares me. I'm scared to loose you... I'm scared that this is all a dream- that for once the one time in my life that i am truly happy, that it will all come crashing down in a instance and i'll be left alone again wondering what went wrong and trying to get back to a dream. I'm scare that i am going to fall so completely for you- and as soon as i do that's when it'll happen. That's when the bad news will show.

That's when reality will strike and you'll be gone. But what if your not? What if for once.. maybe just this once things go right, and i'll truly be happy? I'm scared that this is all just smoke and mirros and lies and that there is no way someone as perfect as you could be here for me, it's a thing that only happens in fairy tales. It's like a love so strong that no matter what happens, what life your in you know your ment to be together. That you will find each other no matter the obstacles or the danger you KNOW- deep down in your heart that this is who you are meant to be with. But that's all just fairy tails right?

-Sighs and looks up at the moon feeling the wind blow across her face- That's what i keep telling my self, that this is just a fairy tale and it;s not real. Because that way if or when it does end.....I might be able to pull my self back together. That because this is just a fairy tale i will have the courage to stop feeling like a failure. To stand up to those that said i can't.. and smile brightly as i say " Just watch me"

Just know, that if this is a fairy tale......it's the best one i have ever had and i pray it doesn't end soon. But if it does? I will be happy at least knowing i took a chance, becasue you never know what you could of have unless you leap.

Here i am again

I'm scared
I'm shaking
i don't know what to do

i'v been here before
i know how this end
with one of us broken on the floor

I can feel it already
the world sliding away
as i almost feel safe, secure
loved even.

But i know it's all a lie.
or so that's what i fear
Because i have never been this happy before.

Anytime i come close to this
i fall back down again
into the dark and the hurt and the anger
into the lies the cheat and the pain.

I care to quickly
i fall to fast
I give out my heart
but then it's broken like glass

Here i am again
on this ledge
about to fall in love with you
But i'm terrafied this time
that if i fall, and no one catches
there's no coming back from this
No more light no more pleasure
If i don't return again this time...

It'll be the end. Forever



The question comes... are you going to be there to catch me?
Can i risk this.. give you my all
or will i end up broken on the floor again?

Ello rabbit hole- we meet again!

now, usually this is where i am suppose to write some awesome poem..cuz i have been slacking seriously on this and i have been trying to figure out why and i think i have. I like most of the great writers of our time only do it when i am depressed, or so i thought. Now i am finding this is not true. How do i know this you may ask? Well because i am depressed... and not just oh i'm a little sad. More like i feel forgotten as if the world is moving on around me and i am just standing still watching the ride. I use to be apart of it, apart of the things that were happening and now i feel like it all happens without me. I get up go to work for a few hours come home and try to go back to sleep ( which for one reason or a nother never works) then amuse my self some how till i go back to work... then come home for dinner with ma and... nothing. I don't have a lot of interesting things to do like a lot of people. I spend the majority of my time, alone or with K-5 graders which although they are entertaining... not quite what i was looking for.

Now i have tired to spend the last few days seeing WHY i was depressed? Not enough sun, nope go out on a daily basis with the kids so that's not it. Not enough sleep? Well for those of you that know me know i usually stay up late like 2-3 am late. For the past week at least i been in bed before midnight usually by 10. So getting sleep. But i think i finally pin pointed it down or at least as much as i can given my current state of mind ( when one is depressed it's a bit hard to think stright) now i know my dad's side of the family is pone to depression and i think i have it to a degree - but i am not as bad as most because it comes and goes. It's not like most people's where there's a day or two and your fine for me it's been going on for a week straight i seem to be short tempered for no reason.. i am getting headaches all the time and i can't tell if it's from sleeping wrong or what. I always seem to be cold no matter how many layers i seem to be wearing and i have no motovation to do anything. Not writing, not photos, not a thing. I just want to sit in the dark and just...cry.

I know not like me right ( trust me i don't cry very often) But after looking back on the past year of my life i realize it's not what i want it to be. It's been one year now that i have been living with mom and i feel like a failure. Although i have had a job.. well two now.. i sitll can't help out as much as i want.. we are still in the one bed room... and just trying to get by. After freaking out with her two heart attacks ( ya that's right my mom can't just do one and leave it be) AND a tripple bypass surgery..where i realize now i was freaking out thinking i was going to loose my mother. I was there every night to the point earthier her or the nurses had to kick me out, ( I can be very stubborn when i want to) And i realize now i am still scared something could happen. She has just returned back to work ( YAY) but still i dread coming home to find something happened. I find my self just..feeling like hell and i hate it! I HATE that i feel so...dead... un living as if i am just sitting on a ride watching everything going pass and not doing a damn thing about it. I just...i want to be norm... ok not normal for i have never BEEN normal i just wanna be happy ya know? I want a REASON to get up in the morning and to do things I want to stop feeling like a failure.

Why did i write this? you know i am not to sure i think part of me knew that by putting down what i had been keeping inside down into words it would help free me in a way to stop the worry and betting my self up to get it out of my head. Although i am depressed i have done a lot of good things as of late. I now have a full time job ( i may not be working 40 hours a week but this is not that kind of job) I went and got my first credit card.. and a brand new lap top! ( which is what i am writing on now so i appoligise for the spelling mistakes still learning where the keys are on this thing). Trying to save up money to go to Lilies war... and to get the two bedroom as soon as possible and to go back to school for my BA. I am trying to go for a BA in art but everyone keeps telling me i don't need to go to school for it but you know what that may be true i know a lot of people that have not done that...but i want to be able to stand up there on graduation day and say i did it. I did this got my degree when no one else ( cept a select few) said i wouldn't or couldn't do it. I want to hang it on the wall and know i finished what i started. *smiles* I want to be proud of what i have done, so you know what.. i am gonna push my self.. i am gonna go out there and do it! I am going to show the world that i am a force to be reckoned with! And when i stand at the top of that kick ass mountain and look back i'll be smiling knowing i did it- one step at a time... one day at a time, one moment and one breath.

LOOK OUT WORLD.. THE PENGUIN IS A COMING!